Dear Master...open letters

Dear Master:

The cat is despicable. She doesn't do any tricks and never comes when you call and I've been there and know she can hear you. We need to face the facts:

It's time to get rid of the cat.

Before the cat's arrival, meals were very festive times. I would sit and stare attentively at your lips, trembling slightly and drooling. You would play the game of pretending to be cross and demand that I leave the area, but whenever you cooked dinner your children would slip me food under the table.

Now, though, the cat is allowed to jump on the table - actually physically walk on the table! You don't yell at the cat, you just pick her up and put her back on the floor, and I know you don't see it, but she always gives me a haughty look as she walks past me.

And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied to eat the gritty pellets of meat-by-products you bring home in the giant bags, right? Have I ever once, ever, failed to finish a meal? But now I find out that the cat is served lobster and salmon and crab - and she never consumes all of it! This means there are little containers of delectable snacks lying around and how can I be blamed for making sure they get eaten? Why do you get so mad? As long as the pet food is going to the pets, isn't that what's important?

Speaking of sanitation, do you realize that the cat goes to the bathroom in the house? Not in the drinking basins like you do, but in the sandbox in the basement. What are we going to say if some woman brings her baby over to play in the sandbox and the cat has been using it as a toilet? I used to police the thing for you, but you put it out of my reach for some reason.

I'm not the only one who believes the cat is an evil person. Here's a note from the hamster:

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Subject: Cat

Please tell cat to stop staring at me while I work.

Signed,

Hamster
Department of Rodent Wheels
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I also tried to get a note from the fish, but apparently it believes that everything happening outside its bowl is some kind of reality - TV show.

I don't understand why the cat is allowed up on the bed and I'm not. I am far cuddlier than any stupid cat. I think her purring sounds unhealthy and may be a sign of tuberculosis.

And why doesn't she ever get a bath? She smells like saliva from licking her paws - you'd never catch me licking such ridiculous places. I often smell wonderful from rolling in road kill, yet you give me baths all the time.

And speaking of sleeping, sometimes I'll be taking a nap and she'll come right up and lie down beside me. Usually I'm too tired to do anything about it, but then later the other dogs smell her on me and crack a lot of jokes at my expense.

So, not to exaggerate, but the cat has brought the family to complete ruin. I'm sorry I have to be the one to bring this to your attention, but now that I have, I think we can all agree that we should go back to the way it was, when I was the #1 pet.

Sincerely, The Dog

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To My Dear Friend the Dog:

I am so sorry about you being sent to the dog pound for the broken lamp which you did not break; the fish you did not spill; and the carpet that you did not wet; or the wall that you did not dirty with red paint...

Things here at the house are calmer now, and just to show you that I have no hard feelings toward you, I am sending you a picture, so you will always remember me.

Best regards, The Cat

The Cat