Thursday, January 13, 2005

SHOUTING OUT...keeping my secret safe...

Have you ever been told some thing and yet it's not time to tell anyone? Hiding a very dark and personal secret within you? Some detail that makes you want to shout, scream or cry...But you keep silent? You smile, laugh and carry on like usual, but inside you’re being torn up and want to explode. You frantically NEED a hug. You WANT someone to say to you it will be all right. You crave to feel loved and not on your own in your quiet silence, and make-believe that all is fine.
I've only began this blogging thing, and as the day has gone by, I think to myself... But I can allow it out. I can declare to the world...yet those that I want to protect will never hear me. Perhaps this is what blogging is all about...At least, for me today.
I received a call from the doctors office saying my test results from the specialists had arrived. At that point, you are aware that isn't a very good sign or they wouldn't bother to phone. Still, knowing is better than not. But I wasn't prepared for what he was about to reveal.
Now perhaps I'm worrying unnecessarily and that's my purpose for keeping it hush-hush. Why concern family and friends until you are 100% sure. Yet, the doctor himself told me it was quite probable. Don't they inform you that they would need to run more tests yet, or more or less that kind of statement? Would it not be better, rather than insinuating that the tests haven't shown anything positive, include a statement that could give you additional hope?
This morning I was hearing words, such as nodule and tumour. I've been through the rack with blood work, X-rays, ultrasound, more blood work and CT scans. First checking my thyroid...that's where the nodule is, but with the blood work, they found a problem with the liver. I wasn't the least bit worried and told my friends and family that it was no big deal. Under the worst-case scenario, even if it was cancer in the thyroid, that is one of the simplest cancer to have removed. I did a very thorough search on the net and wasn't the least afraid.
I've been eating like never before, but the weight continues pouring off of me. People were thinking I was starving myself because of trying so hard to save up for a bike I wanted. Health issues are not new to me. I say issues rather than problems; because I've got control of them...They don't have me! Not mentally or spiritually anyway. Because of that, I find myself in less pain and much clearer headed than if I were to dwell on my body and myself. This summer I was diagnosed with hyperthyroid and that was the reason I was losing the weight. The way I looked at it was that I had such an increase of energy and I was either biking or walking the dog. Even daring to teach her how to run along side of me as I rode. Not bad taking into account she's a 2 year old pit bull terrier and I'm down to 80 pounds. Both close in weight, yet my stubbornness’ are my strengths. Let no man tell me something is impossible; as I will strive my hardest to prove I can and will do it...and in most cases do.
Since I wasn't concerned with my thyroid, there couldn't be any surprises...So I thought. Never did it occur there could be anything seriously wrong with my liver. I'm not a drinker. Meaning, 2 to 3 times a year... Maybe. But, knew because of having to take so much medication, could cause a problem. Still, my mindset was expecting him telling me about the thyroid.
DAMMIT! He was reading the report and I tuned out. How could I tune out at such an important time? Things I need to know, to understand better. I watched him reading, his mouth moving and I even picked up the odd word from time to time. It felt like I wasn't there. Like I was just watching from a far off distance, or a dream. Then, I asked the inevitable, "Could it be cancer?"
I think I was subconsciously asking to hear him say, "NO!"
Later in the day, I got to thinking, probable, doesn't mean definitely. And there the real dilemma started. To say anything to anyone would worry those I love and it's not definite, so there's nothing to really tell. After all, what do I know? And he is sending me to another specialist. I hardly found time to shop for Christmas because of all my tests and specialist appointments. I was truly hoping that once my appointment with the specialist on the 26th of this month was done, I'd get a break from them all.
So, if anyone out there is reading this, I guess what I'm doing is asking you not to take pity of me, but rather say a prayer that one day I can tell this story openly to those I love, and laugh about my foolish ramblings as 'probable' turned out to be something only minor after all.
I'll keep you updated...

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Ruby's Escape and Capture...

Life in a bowl...What must it feel like? Every day is the same as the next. Knowing every inch of your transparent surroundings and the joy of watching a giant, recognized face shaking a small container, knowing that your food is about to come.
Once a week, you are scooped out and placed into another temporary bowl while your home is being cleaned out and fresh water poured in. Then, the dreaded wait. Waiting what seems like an eternity for the water temperature to drop down to a safe level.
It's winter and the pipes are cold, so the water flowing out of the tap is frigid. The wait is long and the temporary housing is not a friendly environment with the dark tint glass.
Does a fish get overwhelmed, just like a person would?
Ruby is a fire red Beta and today I found, what looked like blackish blob, lying on my kitchen floor. My first reaction was of concern that one of my cats must have thrown something up. BrandyCat, the eldest is 21 years old and looking rather frail in his golden years. It looked nothing like a hairball, but more like liver. Gently with a paper towel I went to carefully inspect it and it jumped and moved. Oh, my gosh, I gasped and quickly but gently gathered it up and put him in the temporary bowl wondering how long the poor thing had been laying limply on the floor. Also, very thankful that the cats hadn't spied him, nor the dog, and that I hadn't stepped on him on my rush into the kitchen.
It didn't take very long for him to gain full recovery with the exception of the wide extension of his tail. It now has a downward dip towards the last quarter of it. He ate a full meal that shows his appetite hasn't diminished, so he's not too traumatically stressed.
Best of all, I certainly hope he's learnt his lesson that fish don't do well to escape the safety of the bowl. I wonder, does he realize just how lucky he is?
I know that from now on, I'm using a deeper basin the next time he needs his quarters cleaned.